Listening is learning.
As a public speaker, I’m also a “seeker”- a seeker of knowledge that is! The best way I’ve found to seek this knowledge is from people. (Books are great too, but remember books originate with people). You may have heard it said that we all have two ears and one mouth, so that is the proportion in which we should use them! This is good advice as long as we are not just using our ears for “physical” listening. I’ll share a few thoughts here about the three styles of learning: audio, visual, and kinesthetic. If you too are a seeker of knowledge as I am; I’ll introduce you to how you can “listen” with your ears, your eyes, and your mind!
Listening is thought mostly as just a physical act, which is the “audio” learning style. Many of us are just as lazy in our listening, as we are in building any other part of our physical body. We can increase this listening “muscle” by first having the desire to build it. It requires a disciplined workout as well. Like most things, the start of this workout is desire. One needs to really want to hear what another is saying, before real listening can occur. Stephen Covey states in his book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, that one must first seek to understand, and then one can be understood. It’s easier to understand others when we deliberately put away any distractions so our attention is not divided. There may be external room noises or even internal noises which are thoughts that compete for our attention instead of the message of our speaker. Putting all distractions aside helps in being a much better listener.
You may be wondering how one “hears” with their eyes. I’m referring to what is commonly called body language. Although the meaning of body language changes with cultures just as any vocal language does, your eyes can tell you if a person is serious, happy or sad, or any emotion in the wide range of the other one thousand expressions one may use. Just as the need of attending is so important when listening with our ears, we should look closely to read the signals people visually present. This is called observing. This week why not practice “observing”, and not just “looking” when you communicate with someone. Note their expressions, gestures, and mannerisms. Are their expressions matching their words? I learned a lesson in observation when one time as a parlor game, the host came around the room with a tray of familiar items and asked everyone to remember them. We all expected to be asked how many items we could name. Many were later stumped when we were asked just one question: “What was the color of the tray”? Another time I was astonished to learn that when Helen Keller would ask husbands the color of the wife’s eyes that a very large percentage of them could not remember!
Finally, we need to listen with our mind. This is using the kinesthetic learning style, which is the learning style of “touch” and “senses”. (I’m sure you’ve heard it said to “get in touch with one’s senses”). Here’s one technique that I created to help myself get to know others and improve my everyday communications. I share it here with you so that if you really want to improve your listening skills, you can choose to start this practice as a “life assignment” this week. Be sure to keep track of each time you’ve used it, and with whom, on a 3x5 card you carry. Later, evaluate how each episode went. Do this several weeks and it will become such a positive habit that you will use it regularly to gain increased respect and further opportunities to learn and improve.
Here it is, I call it the “Series of 3”. First ask someone a question. Then listen intently. Read that sentence again- listen intently using your mind, concentrate on the other person. In this moment, “it’s all about them”. Avoid any temptation to formulate your response while the other person is speaking. This takes concentration… and practice! Now, because you’ve truly listened to the response to this first question (which is what we call “attending”), you’re ready for question two. Ask something that is related to what the speaker just stated. This way you are digging deeper, using your mind and “getting in touch” with his/her thoughts. After the speaker answers your second question, ask a third and final question; which of course should be related to the response to your second question. Coming up with questions two and three shouldn’t be hard when you are indeed listening! This does take practice to remember to do and do it well; so you don’t come across as if you are interrogating the person. Just be you. Make it a habit to ask everyone you see the series of three.
I don’t think Dale Carnegie was using my “series of 3” technique in his book: “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, when he speaks of a time he simply asked questions of a guest at a dinner party. He simply asked questions about the other person and never said a thing about himself all evening, but simply one question spawned another question and on and on the evening went. When the party was over, the person who did most all of the speaking stated, “You sure are a great conversationalist”!
I’ve only touched on a few basics about the three learning styles and how they can improve your listening skills, which will in turn improve your communication with others, thereby creating a long chain reaction of positive growth in all areas of your life. But I hope I’ve motivated you to find out more about the audio, visual, and kinesthetic learning styles to do a little research on your own. Start improving your listening skills today and soon you’ll be considered… a great conversationalist!
Ter Scott is a public speaker specializing in Marketing, and Customer Service. He is available for Keynotes, Seminars, and Consulting at www.terscott.com or by calling 800-211-1202 Ext. 18348
For more information about improving your listening skills, I recommend visiting Scott Ginsberg’s blog: http://hellomynameisscott.blogspot.com/2008/04/17-behaviors-to-avoid-for-effective.html to read: 17 Behaviors to Avoid for Effective Listening and ...
William Harryman’s blog: http://integral-options.blogspot.com/2008/03/tips-for-effective-listening-skills.html to read: Tips for Effective Listening Skills.
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51 comments:
Hi Ter,
This was an interesting article on listening not only with your ears, but, with ypur eyes and your mind also. I liked the comment about having the desire to listen to really be able to hear what another is saying. I also liked your "Series of Three", I will try them.
Diane B., Oral Communications, Summer Class
Hi Ter, I found it very interesting to read about listening with our eyes. I have noticed with a few friends of mine that they get easily distracted when I or someone else is talking to them. Also, the 3 questions to ask somebody seems interesting. I never thought about doing that, but I will try it in the future.
Ter,
Your article on "Listening is Learning" was really interesting. I enjoyed your point on listen with our mind. Sometimes that can be hard especially when the topic you are discussing has very little interest to you; however, they deserve your attention out of respect.
Thank you,
Tammie M DBU student oral communications.
I think we all need to remember that we have two ears and one mouth. Sometimes we need to just listen without giving our input immediately!
Ter,
I thought your article had great tips on how to listen with your eyes, ears, and your mind. I never really thought of listening in that way. I loved the comment on how you have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason. You need to listen more than you speak. I really need to work on putting all distractions aside. I am so distracted by my busy schedule and my mind is never in one place. I would really feel horrible if I offended someone. I also need to listen to the other person rather than formulating my own message. I catch myself doing that sometimes, and I really want to work on my listening skills. Working on my communication skills would make my life a little easier. There's always so much miss communication. Thanks for all the great tips!
Liz Martineau
Ter, I agree that to listen we need to not only listen with our ears but our eyes as well. People are the best way to find knowledge as well. This article was very informative!
I really like how you state that we listen with not only our ears but our eyes also. The series of three was interesting and I think I will try to use them. I found your article to be very interesting and informative.
I believe that you really have to have the desire to want to listen and pay attention to what is being said or done, other wise you will not focus. And also if we are distracted we will not focus on what is being presented to us, and could really hurt your interaction skills.
Hi Ter,
I can agree with the point of being very hard to not incorporate your experiences when listening to someone speak about a topic that you also enjoy, and may have similar experiences. Personally, I love to people watch. It is very interesting to see how people react to different situations.
stephanie marlow, oral communications
Ter,
I have played a game similar to what you speak of, but was not asked the color of the tray, just the items on the tray. I can also relate to a husband not knowing the color of their wifes eyes! The whole idea of not just looking but observing is a good one, it may be interesting what one may find out. Thanks for a new outlook!
I thought the trick of asking people to remember the items on the tray and later he asked what color the tray was sounded interesting. Makes me want to try it on some people. Also until I read about not thinking of my response while someone was speaking I never truely realized I did that and there for was not fully listening.
Hi Ter,
Your article is very interesting. I liked the Series of Three. One of these days I have to try it out. The other part that I also liked was about the distractions. I have to admit, sometimes I do get distracted when I'm listening to somebody. But lately I have been able to ignore the distractions and focus more on the speaker.
Megan Beck in Oral Communications
Ter,
From what I have read in your "Listening Is Learning" article, some of what have said is similiar to what our textbook in Oral Communications said and also reminded me of the "What Would You Do?" questions relating to the chapter on listening.
Also, I thought your "Series of 3" was a good idea for practicing or improving listening skills.
Heather Maciejeski
This article was very helpful, and gave me some great tips on how to listen better. I plan to become more observant when it comes to my interactions with other people, and this article stated just how important it is to just simply observe. Hearing with my eyes was very informative, and how vital body language can be in a conversation with another person. The technique about listening with our mind was incredibly helpful as well. A great overall informative article.
Julia Werbelow - Oral Communications Class
I enjoyed your article about listening. I like how you said one must have the desire to listen, I think these days listening is almost becoming a lost art. People are too busy and even listening is being "micro-managed". I will definately try to incorporate the 3 questions into my listening. I liked how you touched on body language also, an interesting thing happened in our house; my daughter had said her step-dad was "yelling" at her, I was in the next room and heard nothing and he said he never even raised his voice. After asking more questions she admitted that his body language said he was angry and he never had raised his voice.
Patty W-L DBU
I thought your article was very interesting.I've never thought about it before, but your right with saying that you listent with your eyes. I usually pay attention to the smallest of details about a person when talking with them. What they don't know is that they are telling you a lot without saying a word. I find your series of three interesting. I think I'm going to try that sometime today and see what happens. I'm listening to the person and can kind of judge where they are going with what they are saying and start thinking of a response before they finish. So that's going to be work for me.
Hi Ter,
Easier to understand others when we put away distractions so our attention isn't divided, is so true I find myself listening to people while thinking about other things, I usually catch myself and bring myself back in to the conversation, I'm going to try the Series of three thats also a good way to really get to know a person.
Thanks for your informative article.
Theresa P.
Oral Communications
April 26,
TLarson
I think it is amazing how we take advantage of communication without really thinking of how we appear to the other person in or during a conversation. A few days ago I decided to take the time to pay attention to how this was done by others, "don't one up" was one I heard a lot from one lady. And "don't give advice" is a demeaning way of telling a person that what their opinion or who they are is not important without saying it. Paying attention to how we are listening physically says a lot too. This was a good article, actually I read both of them!
Thanks
tlarson
The first thing I read that interested me in the article was when it states that you should listen twice as much as you talk basically. That got my attention because it made me think, do I talk or listen more? I would have to say talk. The second thing that caught my interest was listening with your eyes, which is true because sometimes body language can say everything. I can always tell when someone is sad or mad just based of what their body is saying or even screaming.
I think not only do you have to listen well with your eyes, ears and mind, but you really have to show the other person you really care along with what you say with the "series of 3 " but from your expressions too. What I mean by that is when you are listing to someone, you also need to show your listening by shaking your head slightly when they talk or just put a little yep in there.
There is so much to listening and Ter you have great ideas. In a conversation with a friend, i have caught myself trying to interrupt them to say something about my info instead of listening to them. So i think the Series 3 will come in handy.
Thanks
Vickie Luck DBU
Hi Ter,
I found the "series of 3" technique to be interesting. It is actually a nice way to keep a conversation going instead of just saying "Hi, hows it going?" with a respose of "Good."
I also always use the second technique, listening with your eyes or observing. This way I can actually tell what the other person is thinking as I am talking to them.
-Jennifer Borresch, Oral Communications
In this blog I was reminded to wait until the speaker has finished speaking because if you are trying to formulate a question or reponse to the person before they are done then you aren't really listening and you could miss something important.
This blog also reminded me of a phrase about listening that I once heard (can't remember who said it or where)but it is, "God gave us ONE mouth with which to speak and TWO ears with which to listen." I guess we should be listening twice as much as we speak and then maybe there would be much less confusion in the world.
Hi Ter,
This was a very interesting article. I found it interesting about hearing with your eyes.I have never heard that before but I guess it does mean body language cause that is how you can tell on a person how they are feeling too. I also found it interesting about it's easier to understand others when you put your distractions aside. I have never done that so I will have to give it a try.
thanks
Diane C Oral Communications 2010
Hi Ter, I enjoyed your article on Listening. It was very informative about listening with your eyes as well as just your ears. I hate it when I am speaking to someone and they are not looking at me, it makes me just wnat to quit talking, because I can tell that they are not listening. I like your 3 questions, I am going to practice that. I have a very bad habit of interupting people when they are speaking and I need to work on that.
Thanks,
Ostara, oral communications
Hello Sir,
In reading the article I found some of your suggestions to be my own habits of conversation. It may help to know that I am a father of three small children and I am used to answering, "but why?".
When I am speaking with someone, either for the first time or a continued dialogue, I do ask them a series of questions and each one of them is deeper than the first. I have found this a very useful way to "get to know someone" and it has come in handy in both my professional and personal life. In relation to answering the question "why?", I have found it is much more fun to answer the question once or twice, and then ask the children "why?' so I can see where their imagination goes. Thanks, have a good night.
Hi,
Your article is very insightful, I especially liked how you say that you need to listen with your eyes and not just your ears. This is very true and I don't believe very many people look at people while "listening" to them. I also like how you said to listen with your mind. It is sometimes hard to pay attention to someone when they are talking about something you do not know much about, you tend to zone out.
Misty Hannahs Oral Communucations
I liked how you said to listen by looking at someone's body language. It is very true how we use our body to speak. I know a few people who can not speak without their hands. I also liked how to use your mind. I'm going to try your technique. I'm sure it will help me be a better listener.
The two things I found interesting were when you said part of listening is desire, I agree with that, you need to want to hear what the person is saying also more to understand. The second is not to have distractions. Sometimes when I call someone you can hear the tv loud in the background or their child is talking to them at the same time.
I think it is very interesting that when you listen with your eyes as well as your ears the things your hearing may not be what you see. The second point of the article i thought was interesting was your series of three concept. What a great way to get a person to talk about themselves, I am going to remember this the next time i am trying to get to know someone.
When you mentioned we listen with our eyes, ears, and mouth a picture of the three chimps came to mind with the hands covering their eyes on one, ears on another and finally one covering his mouth.I know it means see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. But I was thinking its alot how people listen. Great blog on listening and I will try to use the tips given.
I like the series of 3 and will try this at work, also the listening with your eyes, ears and mind.
The two points I found most interesting in this article both involve paying more attention when in conversations. Observing the body language of a speaker could probably be really helpful in interpreting what a person is trying to say, their mood, and how to respond. The second was the three questions exercise. I often catch myself formulating my response in my mind before the person is even finished speaking. Something I need to work on but hopefully awareness helps.
The first comment I like is "one needs to really want to hear what another is saying, before listening can occur." I can relate to this sentence in saying that I do not always listen to what people say especially if they are long-winded I get bored and my mind travels elsewhere. The other comment I liked was "just as the need of attending is so important when listening with our ears, we should look closely to read the signals people visually present." this I am good at while I may not always focus on the listening I am good at observing what someone is visually presenting or trying to say by their body language or gestures.
I found that "listening" with your eyes is body language. I guess I did not think of it that way what an interesting way to think about learning. Ter Scott sent me
Hi Ter,
I really like reading this article. There was so much thing that I found out about like listening with your eyes, and mind and I like the series of three I think that I am going to give them a try.
Hi Ter,
I found that we could listen with your ears, eyes and mind interesting.
Also what Hellen Keller said about husbands not remembering the color of their wife's eys.
Linda J. Oral communications Winter 2011
I found tha we could listen with our ears, eys and mind interesting. Also what Hellen Keller said about husbands not remebering the color of thier wife's eyes.
Linda J
Oral Communication
Winter 2011
I found that we could listen with our ears, eys and mind interesting.
Also what Helllen Keller said about husband not remembering the color of their wife's eyes.
Linda J
Oral Communications
Winter 2011
This article is very helpful to me as someone who struggles to start and maintain a conversation with others. I am an introvert, and while i am not a major talker, there is a lot of noise going on inside my head while I am listening to someone talking. I really liked the "series of 3" idea of asking a question, listening intently, and then asking another question based on the response and so on. I think this technique will help me put my attention on the other person and take it off my own worries about how I am coming across to others. I also liked the idea of consciously observing others body language in addition to listening to what they are saying. I cant ever recall doing this on a conscious level, to really purposely take notice. I will have to try it.
Elaine Wiggins, Oral Communications WI Quarter 2011
Hi Ter! I found where you spoke of when you are having a conversation with someone to speak only about the other person and not yourself. I am going to try that sometime in the near future and just see where it goes. I also had a similar experience while at a bridal shower that we were to memorize what was in a cake pan and then the question was asked "what was the bride to be wearing?" one only seems to focus on what was asked and not the whole picture.
I liked this article Thank You for sharing with us.
Hi Ter,
Overall I found the whole article interesting. I thought it interesting how it was stated that you have to have the desire to want to listen. I find that for myself I get easily distracted by outside noise, etc. and have difficulty absorbing what is being said. I did also like the idea of asking the three questions. This is something I think everyone should try maybe it will make us all better listeners.
I think that it depends who is talking is who I listen too and if I actually want to hear what thery are saying. I know I probably shouldn't but sometimes im just not intrested but I know that they might feel the same say to somethings i may talk about so they do deserve my attention, i think it would be better to get away from any distractions like you had mentioned. Im more into peoples body lauage I think its fun to sometimes watch people and see there reactions and I remember things more that way, however I have never been asked for "the color of the tray" but I have played simllar games when I was younger.
This was a great article! I agree with haring with your eyes. I work in the medical field, and I often have to hear beyond what the patient actually says because people have different perceptions of healthcare. I also like the idea of putting away distractions so you can listen better, I always try and turn off the TV before talking to my kids because I know they won't hear everything I tell them.
Katy B., Oral communications, Winter Class
Hi Ter,
I did find the Series of 3 interesting because I am the person that likes to talk! I do want to hear the other person though, so I have been diligently working on asking questions. I have done this for quite some time. I have discovered that asking questions helps another person to clarify or hone what they are trying to say. In turn, I am then able to ask more questions. I certainly need to practice this more as the old nature of wanting to talk more creeps in. I will try the tactic of writing it down. Writing something down always helps to distinguish where you have been, where you are at and where you would like to go. It is easier to "see" progress. Also, people sometimes have little "micro-expressions." Sometimes you will see it but they are only there for a second or two. When you see one, you may have hit a nerve. It is a good tactic to pay attention to those brief but telling expressions. Sort of like hearing with your eyes. Thanks!
Hi Ter,
I thought it was really interesting to read about listening with our eyes. I think that when we listen with our eyes we listen by seeing people's emotions. I also think that when we listen with our mind I do agree that we use touch and sense to do that. Because when someone grabs your hand when they are upset but doesn't want to talk about it but they squeeze your hand because it makes them feel better.
Hi Ter,
This whole article was of interest to me, but the two things that really got my attention were the point about putting away your distractions and the one hears with their eyes. The distraction part interests me because I believe I am distracted very easily, if I'm on the phone and I have the TV on I need to mute the TV or go into another room because I will not listen to what the person on the other end is saying to me and I have to ask "What?" a lot. One hearing with their eyes interests me because I think you can tell a lot about someone's gestures when they are speaking. If you ask someone how they are and they smile and looks directly at you to me that means the person is really fine as they said they are, but if they say they are fine and don't smile and avoid looking at you, I really don't think that person is fine. I also think that the "Series of 3" would be something I want to try sometime, I think it would help with the learning to listen with our mind which I feel sometimes I'm not good at at all.
I learned a great deal from this article. The main thing I learned was that I am a horrible listener, in all aspects. I definitely need to improve on that. Now that I have the tools that you have outlined in this article, I will work earnestly toward bettering myself in the listening department. I think that the "Series of Three" will be very helpful in my endeavors, as will paying close attention to body language.
Also, I asked my fiance what color my eyes are and he got it right! I was surprised.
Two things of interest that I found from the article “Listening is Learning” (Scott) is that one must want to really hear what another person is saying before listening can occur and also hearing with our eyes to observe and not just looking. I find that many times people are distracted and do not pay particular attention to whom they are listening to. I like the suggestion to observe those you are speaking with as you may miss very important queues from the person you are talking to.
Hi Ter,
Your article was interesting to read, I have never thought about listening with my eyes.
There was one thing that stuck out the most to me it was "Listening with your ears" and to just tune things out when a speaker is talking.
For me that is a difficult thing because, I have ADD. When someone is speaking to me or even during class, even the littlest things can distract me; for example when someone is listening to loud music with their headphones, playing with their pencil and even people walking by.
I've always wished I could be one of those people who could tune those things out and to not get distracted, and not miss some things in a lecture. I have learned to deal with it all my life, and kind of found ways to help myself.
DeeAnna Patnaude
Oral Communications Online DBU 2012
I really found the whole article interesting. I never realized that there is 3 ways of listening. I also like the "Series of Three", I am going to give them a try.
Hi Ter. I really like your Series of 3 technique and I already tried it out during a conversation with my mom. You talk about listening intently and not formulating your response while the other person is still speaking. Wow, it definitely takes a lot of concentration and practice. While I was attentively listening to my mom's response to my question of what she did the night before, a little voice whispered "ask her why she like that restaurant so much" when she said she had dinner at a new restaurant. So I am wondering if you have any tips on how to stop that little voice from interjecting and distracting you from listening to what is being said?
Thanks for yet another great article!
Corissa Nolan
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